Hi dear, I do hope you are fine wherever you are..I do hope you are a boy, no girl, no boy, no girl, no boy …okay okay a Girl.
I do hope you turn out hot just like your mum please hold on dear, I need to distribute cough syrup to some people here..ehen hot like your mummy but with some junk in the trunk sha.
Please don’t take last when they are distributing asses sha..ehen…before they’ll leave u with kpalasa.so ti gbo? Be there early okay? Oh oh oh and please also when they are sharing feet better ask for small size so ti gbo? Cause If you know what your mum is suffering because of this canoe wey dem call feet you’ll pity her.
My beautiful unborn daughter… I almost don’t want you to be born into this cruel world of ritualists, NEPA, heart breakers, bad belle,natural disasters,liars cheats gossips, disappointments, rejection, failure,hit and run men, stupidity. Don’t get me wrong I want you, I want you so bad… And yeah there’s a lot wrong with the world but there’s also a lot right with it. And anyways wouldn’t the world be a snooze fest if you just woke up and everything went your way? But we could do without the ritual killings though. Don’t be scared dear mummy is here.
Now dear here are several things mummy wants you to know and keep close to your heart
1. Always iron when there is light. To put your trust in Nepa is to set out to be disappointed. Do not procrastinate on that dear.
2.Do not talk too much, flee from people who can give a parrot a run for its money. Try not to engage in malicious gossip it doesn’t add anything to your life. Try as much as possible to mind your business and do away with iranu talk. Stay away from drama.flee from it.
3. Eat healthy… Life’s hard enough. Harder when you are fat. People are mean dear.
4. Rejection well will happen. Its not the end of the world. Doesn’t mean you are not good enough. Its just one of those things that happens to all of us…you will reject people too…
5. Educate yourself. Be pretty but be smart too. Let your conversations go way beyond what colour of powder you use.
6. Men are….. Hmmmn… Men are wonderful but also not wonderful at the same time. Take your time before you decide to give yourself to anyone. No dear I mean it. Take your time. Get to know this person. Please don’t rush. Take your time. Not promising all will go well…but see it this way if it does all good..if it doesn’t its one more experience to learn from.
7.Have fun. Good memorable fun with good friends. The kind that make you feel good about you and you make feel the same way. Go out, do stuff. Create memories.
Don’t be in such a hurry to grow old.
8.Be street smart dear…. Be cute and posh but dear your street smarts will take you a long long way #dontdull axe ur grandmummy I was always streetsmart…well not always but at one point it became a blessing.
9. Try and be kind/nice dear. There are no rewards whatsoever for bitchiness. Its not a good look, doesn’t make you look tough or feared it just makes you a Naughty Lady. Be nice but don’t take nonsense.
10. Ahh music. I do believe you will fall in love with that. It will help you deal with life’s fuckery (pardon my french) sometimes,oh yeah and laughter.. I cannot tell you what that has gotten me through. Stick to funny people. Whatever makes you laugh is your friend.
11. Enjoy sex. Well when you are old enough to… So ti gbo? Please do not let any man… Whether brad pitt clone or whoever is hot in your time make you do what you don’t want to do. There’s nothing wrong with virginity too.So whatever you choose
12. Please dear people will talk. They will say all sorts from what they know to what they don’t. Its hard but try not to let it bother u. They will say you did this, did that. You are this you are that. But when you think about it they are just humans… Just like you..they have no extraordinary power whatsoever dear so who died and made them judge. Nobody! They can’t kill you with their words. They are not God. What they think about you…really is their business not who you are.
13. Please read novels ooo! So you won’t use english like ‘more better’ or ‘coal slur’ or ‘modeler’ please please please…face your studies oooo!
14. Be yourself, try. Its not very hard…. Please run from peer pressure..flee as much as you can. You will realize there’s nothing as spectacular as having a mind of your own.
15. You are not perfect, you will have faults. Infact I imagine you will give me wahala sef. And I am already storing your pankere for you, you cannot kill me because I didn’t kill my mother.I had many faults though..many! Made many mistakes.
16.You’ll make mistakes but learn from them.
17. The police is not your friend but please respect them.. Ka ma ri accidental discharge.
18.Have the kind of fun you won’t be ashamed of the next day. Seems kind of boring…but believe me taking risque pictures with your friends can be fun but you don’t want your Unclad picture on the internet the next day do you? Ehen! Ko ya ara e brain.
19. Live life like no one owes you anything. Do not wait for a man to take care of you. You have a head and he has one… You have hands. Get to work o jare!
20.Know God. Not church. Rev sister. Brother Abraham or pastor Maximilian. Know God.
You’ll learn more as you grow, the trick is to try and stay level headed and have self-respect.These are just a few tips I thought I’d pass on to you dear. Mummy loves you.
Oh yeah and one very important one.NEVER SHAVE OFF ALL YOUR EYEBROWS…never dear! If this is the only thing u heed to. NEVER!
21.Now this is the grandest rule of all.You can ignore every rule , even the eyebrows shaving but this MUST NEVER be taken for granted! NEVER EVER MARRY SOMEONE FROM ALUU.If you sight them from 1km away, jo omo mi, take a run for your life. Don’t even make friends with them.Olorun o ni je ki n sukun omo!